Right after my first visit with my psychologist I started to do some research to find out more about myself about issues I have. I was pretty sure that there had to be some medical explanation for everything that goes through my head. Alot of them which are not associated with being Bipolar. After doing a google search I found something that mentioned Borderline Personality aka BPD. I didn’t know much about this disorder and pretty much always thought of it as being related to having multiple personalities.

Here are the major symptoms of BPD my Psych said you have to at least have 6 of the 9 for them to consider diagnosing you with the disorder, I have 8 of the 9.

– Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
– A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
– Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
– Impulsive in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
– Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
– Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
– Chronic feelings of emptiness
– Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
– Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Now onto my explanation of each one in regards to myself…

I am so afraid of being abandoned, I’m sure this is partly or mostly to do with what I dealt with as a child at the age of 5 (read here)

The pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships is partially true for me. I do get very close to my partner very quick, my past two husbands I was married to them within 6 months of being with them. John (Brandon’s Dad) I asked him to marry me, and MOHCINE asked me. But alot of people with BPD tend to have alot of short relationships. I tend to want and have long term relationships and am looking for a lifetime partner.

My self image is so random but this is also a trait of being bipolar. I have my days where I can’t stand to see my self and other days where I sit and think I look good.

Being impulsive that is potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). I get money and I want to spend it. I can be very careless at times with my money and just tell myself later that I’ll get the money to cover my rent, thankfully I always do. As far as sex well due to the fact that I have family that reads this blog I will just say I’ve had my share of crazy moments. Substance abuse I don’t do, I hate drugs but I love to drink. I do have my moments where I want to drink alot more then others. Driving, lets just put it this way, don’t’ piss me off while in the car. Last but not least binge eating, well I think we all do a bit of that regardless if you choose to admit to it or not.

Suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. In the past in my teen years and before I got Brandon back into my life I had thoughts of suicide alot but never actually attempted to carry it out. I do however when I get really mad at myself tend to hurt myself or I will sometimes hurt myself if I’m not getting the attention I want. Although this has only happened a few times. I do my best to stop myself from doing it. The last time was when I got so upset and had a flat iron in my hand and tapped each one of my left fingers to it. I think I do this to take away the emotional pain that I’m feeling at the time.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few day. Ohh my you have no idea how irritable I can get at some of the smallest things. I get irritable at so many things I don’t even want to being to list them. And my anxiety gets out of control.

Feelings of emptiness, I get this feeling every so often. People will sometimes ask me, “But I thought you were so happy in your relationship?” I am very happy but that doesn’t stop my random moments of feeling this way.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger. I don’t ever feel the need to get into a physical fight. I think that is just stupid. But I sometimes get really angry and at the wrong people for totally stupid reasons. I also find my self having a hard time controlling this anger.

Paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. This kind of goes along with my social disorder in where I think people are always out to get me and thinking bad things about me. I always seem to think that I’m being treated unfairly. Lela has even brought this up to me.

I often get comments or emails from women who are dating Moroccan men or talking to Moroccan men on the internet asking me to share my stories and if I think they are caught up in the “Honey I love you lets get married green card scam”. First off let me start by saying that Moroccans are not the only Nationality that are known for doing this and that not all Moroccans contacting you will want this. It just happens to be that I was married to one so I tend to have people find the few blog post I have regarding him or other Moroccans and ask. Here are two post regarding a Moroccan (not my husband) wanting me to really talk with him. You will find alot of them on myspace.com as well as when your using Yahoo Messenger.

Begging Blog post 1 and Begging Blog post 2

Here is my most recent email…

Hi Heather,
I had a question..I read your blog, am I correct that you recently divorced
someone from Morocco?
If you did, can you share your story with me?
I think I am in the same boat and want to protect myself.

Thanks in advance for your help,
S*****

Now while I said before that not all Moroccan men want a green card, the chances are slim to none that this is the actual case especially when they are still living in Morocco. Most of these guys from my experience from hearing from Moroccan men that I know here in the states as well as my ex husband, tell me that these guys sit in a local cafe drinking their coffee and chatting with several women at once confessing their love for them. Doing anything and everything to get their way in and get that card.

From what I noticed it seems that they also target certain types of people and again I could be wrong. But it seems they go for someone that fits one or all of the below…

1. Big age gap they are usually in their 20’s and contacting women in their 40’s-50’s

3. Someone with a some sort of disability again going with the idea that they are probably depressed and or insecure.

Yes I was married to a Moroccan. Yes we got married before he had his green card and citizenship. One major difference between myself and the many people who contact me is that I happen to meet him here in my hometown of San Diego. He was a good man to me, never was demanding or mistreated me. As for other Moroccan men, I’ve known several other women who have been involved with Moroccan men and their luck not be so good. Just about with every one of them they would both physically and or mentally abuse them, as well as spend all their money. We married May of 2000 he received his citizenship in January of 2006 by the middle of November 2006 after a argument he left and was unsure if he wanted to continue his relationship with me, claiming he missed his family and wanted to be with his Mom. So as to if he really married me for the right reasons or not, well only him and god know this. But either way overall he was a good man. Now that is not to say that this can’t happen with a American man or any other Nationality because it surely can.

Let me bring up two major issues that can surely cause major problems as far as differences while in a relationship with a Moroccan Man. These two issues are pretty much the same with any relationship involving two different nationalities. They are Religion and Culture.

1. Religion: Islam is the established religion of Morocco with 1 percent of the population being Christian, and less than 0.2 percent Jewish. That being said, chances are your involved with a man who is Muslim. Now I don’t ever believe in bashing others religions. So that is not what this is about. I just want to say that you must make sure that you do your research on Islam before getting involved its very different from what your probably used to. Chances are they will do their best to convert you to Islam.

2. Culture: Hospitality is really a part of their culture, in fact they are pretty well known for this hospitality. Anytime you enter someone’s home stranger or not chances are you will be welcomed with mint tea and some sort of sweets. However the cultural differences between Morocco and America are very different and this is a problem in a relationship.

In Morocco, the Men tend to go out with their friends and hang out at the cafe drinking coffee and talking. While the women will usually be at home with their friends cooking and or cleaning. So when he gets here to the states and after he finds fellow Arab speaking friends, chances are this will continue for him and usually it will be a daily thing.

There are so many cultural differences I could go on and on about it, but I would rather not.

I can also tell you, that most Moroccans at one point while living here will think or even say they want to move back to Morocco alot of times they will even ask you to move back with them. If this happens please and I say again please make a few visits there (and more then just a few days here and there) before even considering it. Also you might also want to join up an online group, there are many American Women Moroccan Men groups to join. Where you can find others experience and ask for advice on your specific situation.

Just use your instinct when getting involved. If you see any red flags, you might want to reconsider. But like I mentioned before, not all Moroccan men are the same. You have your good and your bad just like any Nationality.